My Dark Fears / What's On My Mind #2

I felt like posting a little bit more. Please Don't Hate Me!

(Still like ANYONE would read any of this anyways)

Okay I admit it, I have a lot of fears. People who know me that never read my blog, (*cough* pretty *cough* much *cough* everyone) probably think that I'm fearless. I'm actually not. I've gotten to a point where on the inside I'm scared of pretty much everything, but the front I've putting up is that I don't care anymore. Duo personality in one I would like to call it.

For example: 

-I'm scared of dying, but yet I don't mined if I die or not.

-Snakes scare me to death, but I have been around and held various types of snakes millions of times.

-I'm always nervous around roller coasters/high places, but I love them.

I don't know why. That is just the way I am. You know what I'm scared of the most? Losing people and getting hurt in the process. 

Honestly, growing up most of my friends/random people would either move, didn't really care about me, don't even remember me, grown apart or think that I'm a nuisance. Yes those dark times where just me standing on the other side of the room will bring a sour look on their faces and they start talking to me behind their backs. When they have to talk to someone like me, they act like I'm their most best friend ever but I know I'm not. I haven't had a "best friend" since I was 6years old. True I still have some at my church that I have known since forever but they wouldn't care less about me. (That's kind of a side story)

Maybe that's why lately I've started to push people away so that I don't feel like all of them have gone away from me which they will anyways. Somehow I've got this mind set that if I cling on to people, then they wouldn't leave. Yet, if I get too attached I'm going to be lonely again, so better push them away and be a bother to them. I don't exactly know where I got this process from but it kinda became a habit. My life is messed up anyways. All well that is how life is ^_^

Let's not bring this topic in particular anymore okay? Promise! (Also, I don't need no therapy since I got my life already figured out. I don't need professionals to walk me through it again :P )

If you have been reading both of my posts today… YOU are an amazing person! You probably think I'm stupid for posting these kinds of things and that is probably true. What ever though :D